Monday, Oct. 26, 2009

Killer snakes heading thisaway

I used to like Florida. Key West and Miami were super fun. Disney World was a blast. The space center wasn't nearly as boring as I thought, plus they sold freeze-dried astronaut ice cream. I liked the orange groves in central Florida, spring training in St. Pete and driving along A1A with Buffett blasting in the background. Yes, Florida was a state with much to offer.

A little too much as it turns out.

According to a report released by the U.S. Geological Survey last week, crazy Floridians have been releasing killer snakes into the wild and they're headed my way. Yep, freakishly huge snakes are leaving Florida's swampy borders and heading north.

What can we do?

Well, I could give you a long, fancypants national-public-radio-induced answer, but the short version is, "Bend over and kiss your butt goodbye."

There's no stopping this army of big snakes which, we now know, can produce up to 100 baby snake eggs at a time. Florida, what is wrong wid chu?

Turns out that owning that cute little Burmese python outlived its fun factor once BP grew up and wound its way around the lanai. What to do? You take the former pet for that ubiquitous long ride in the country.

When asked by an NPR reporter if there were actually giant snakes in metropolitan areas like Miami, a scientist said, and this is a di-rect quote: "Yes."

Dude. Let us down easy. You don't just tell somebody that giant pythons are slithering around South Beach. The vapid movie stars who lounge about down there doing the devil's aerobics with everyone but their own spouses probably just think of a boa constrictor as uber Spanx but they're no fashion accessory.

Scientists are, scientifically speaking, "completely freaked out in the head" about this march of the giant snakes northward. One said he'd peered into the stomachs of hundreds of dead pythons (and you thought your job sucked) and found basically everything except a barcalounger in there.

Turns out there are tens of thousands of pythons in Florida and they're pretty cheesed at being dumped by their idiot owners. Others escaped from pet shops back in '92 during Hurricane Andrew and "have been reproducing ever since." Well. It's not like they had cable .

Scientists say these house-size snakes can climb trees and take out entire species of birds "akin to the situation with brown tree snakes on Guam." Oh, holy Lord! Not the brown tree snakes of Guam! Wait a minute. What?

Scientists say the giant Burmese python in particular could be heading north. Its hobbies include eating everything in its path, reproducing with abandon and TRAVELING LONG DISTANCES.

I am SO not leaving the light on for 'em.