Thursday, Dec. 24, 2009
Getting a Quickie
Getting a QuickieYour boss actually let you leave a little bit early today, because, you know he was feeling charitable since your hours and salary were cut this year, despite your ever-increasing workload.
You've packed up the car to make a mad dash over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house for the holidays.
But you check the tank, and it's nearly on E.
Typical.
And naturally, the rest of your entourage somehow forgot to use the bathroom before leaving the house and also decided to act like Gandhi and commenced a holiday fasting routine - only the novelty is wearing off and they're as ravenous as wildcats on a trout farm.
Better stop and gas up and grab a bite now - you don't want to get caught in that stretch of road where you're more likely to pick up a deer as a hitchhiker and the only commerce is a vegetable stand/bait shop that doesn't take debit cards.
Fortunately, there are plenty of convenience stores - you know those Scotchman, Circle K, and Kangaroo marts that seem to be on every corner - where you can fill up the car, and fill up your belly, too, provided you consider beef jerky, cheese crackers and gallon-sized cups of soda as distinct food groups.
Your tank is full, your seatbelts are locked, and you're about to put the pedal to the metal, when suddenly...
Oh snap, you forgot to get a present for your recently-paroled uncle and teenaged cousin who will be at Grandma's house and it's literally less than six hours until Christmas.
What do you do?
Go right back inside that convenience store, oh hapless one, because beckoning from therein you'll find a cornucopia of last-minute gift-giving.
Fear not, Weekly Surge has done the legwork for you.
The following are last-minute gift options for those overlooked relatives (that a team of crack Surge journalists uncovered at actual local mini-marts.)
Armed with a $10 budget and an attitude, Surge contributors Derrick Bracey, Mandy Kinseth, Terry Massey, Rebecca Homitz, and David Powers sought to dispel the seasonal saying, "it's not the gift, but the thought that counts." Screw that. Money's tight, but you don't want to be a Scrooge. Thoughts won't even get you a lottery ticket or a pack of gum, so try out these items which will be sure to put the FUN back into your dysFUNctional family gathering.
What: Tobacco-Free Kit
How much: $3.48
Where we got it: BP Scotchman, 6201 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach
Who it's for: Your uncle who has been ordered by his doctor to quit tobacco - both smoking and chewing
Growing up in tobacco country, your uncle decided to indulge in the addictive plant since he was 11-years old - spending the majority of his life both smoking and chewing tobacco. Recently, after several trips to the doctor for deteriorating lungs and heart problems, he's been ordered to quit cold turkey. The doctor's orders, which come just in time for the holidays, are detrimental for both your uncle and those who have to spend time with the now-moody man.
A tobacco-free kit, found at your local gas station, is the perfect way to try to salvage the holiday spirit and dampen the anger your uncle spills onto you and your family members.
Salted sunflower seeds, $1.79, are a great substitute for chewing tobacco. They keep your uncle's mouth busy and help him avoid stuffing his face with holiday food - so there are more of grandma's goodies left for you and your family. (Suggestion: you may want to provide him with a Styrofoam cup or plastic bag for spitting, to avoid sunflower seeds taking over the carpet.)
A sucker, 25-cents, will help your uncle with the oral fixation of smoking...plus it allows him to hold something in his hand besides a cigarette. Sugar is also known to heighten your mood - which may calm his sudden outbursts or attempts to strangle weak family members. (Advice: choose a flavor such as cotton candy. It may remind him of his early childhood - a time (the only time) he didn't smoke.)
Inevitably, your uncle will have a headache when trying to quit tobacco. BC Fast Pain Relief, $1.09, will help relieve the pain. The instructions say to place the powder under the tongue and follow with a liquid. In no time, his headache should disappear. (Note: BC warns against taking the pain reliever while consuming alcohol... plus, the more he drinks liquor, the more he'll crave tobacco, so you may want to serve him the kid's egg nog instead of the rum concoction.)
A pack of gum, mere 35-cents, will come into play when the sunflower seeds and sucker are gone. A few pieces can also serve as his last minute gifts for nieces and nephews, since he has yet to bring presents for any occasion. (Warning: the gum will also cover his breath if he sneaks out for a smoke or chew.)
If all else fails, head back to the gas station and spring for the additional few dollars to buy him a cheap pack of cigarettes. After all, it's the holidays - and no one should have to suffer. Just remind your uncle to remember you in his will.
for Weekly Surge
What: Ganja goodie bag
How much: $4.87
Where we got it: BP Scotchman, 6201 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach
Who it's for: Your teenage cousin who makes no effort to hide his pot-smoking lifestyle
So your red-eyed teenage cousin makes no excuses...he's high on all occasions, even during the holidays. Sure, your grandmother thinks the tie-died garb is a new fashion statement, but the rest of the family knows what's going on when he leaves periodically to "use his cell phone."
A lighter (50-cents), is the gift that keeps on giving. He'll get to use it on each cell-phone break. Plus, it can double as a holiday savior when smelly-good candles need to be lit after senile grandma burns the ham. However, there's no telling how long he'll actually hold onto that lighter, since lighters seem to be one of the most-pocketed objects out there.
Black & Mild, $1.29, is a preferred method of smoking for teenagers who don't want to get caught with paraphernalia. In addition, his grandmother may think the obscure scent is just a flavored cigar. Just make sure to keep track of the tobacco he empties out of the casing...your uncle trying to quit may use it as a last resort and shove it in his mouth.
Clear eyes, $2.09, are extremely helpful in relieving the red-eyes your cousin has after "talking on his cell phone." The small bottle fits easily into his pocket and as long as there are no eye diseases, he can share it with his friends. It may also come in handy for his crying mother, who doesn't understand why her son can't come to any family event sober.
Sun Chips, $ .99, are the perfect munchies for a pot-smoking fiend. Sure, there's a holiday spread on the table, but for some reason your cousin is craving a salty treat before digging into the chocolate brownies.
-Mandy Kinseth,
For Weekly Surge
What: Pewter Ashtray shaped like a dragon and an "Official Mattress Tester" Beer Coozy
How much: $3.99 and $1.99
Where we got it: Circle K, 2016 U.S. 17 Business, Surfside Beach
Who it's for: Deadbeat brother who refuses to move out of parents' basement
Not only will your brother not move out of your mother's basement but he also invites his loser friends over to play old school Dungeons and Dragons - drinking warm, cheap beer and using the cans as ashtrays. The cigarette burns in the 1977 orange shag carpet in the basement have gotten out of control, so enough is enough. From this point on, their Doral butts shall rest proudly in a dual-headed dragon ashtray while they fling their eight-faced dice on one of Mom's old TV trays. His lukewarm beer shall remain lukewarm in his ironically monikered coozy as he rules the underworld as a drunken ogre. Little ogre brother, you are indeed the family's "Official Mattress Tester."
-Derrick Bracey,
for Weekly Surge
What: Miniature Dream-Catcher Magnet
How much: $2.99
Where we got it: Circle K, 2016 U.S. 17 Business, Surfside Beach
Who it's for: Hippie step-sister-in-law
Nearly 2010 and the hippie is still alive and well. Your sister-in-law has managed to layer her house in hippie paraphernalia, from incense burners to psychedelic tapestries of Jimi Hendrix's and Janis Joplin's heads spiraling up in snakes of color. Every corner of her house is webbed with dream-catchers. Dream-Catchers in the bedrooms of course but also in the den, in the kitchen, in the laundry and in the bathroom - I guess you never know where a nap will happen. And now...she will be able to keep a miniature dream-catcher magnet on her at all times - everywhere she goes she can be protected. When that nod occurs and a nightmare is out there just waiting to pounce, watch-out evil because we have you trapped in a decorative little net with feathers, beads and a little carved moose. So stay groovy, almost sister, stay groovy.
-Derrick Bracey,
for Weekly Surge
What : Dancing Solar Flower
How much: $4.99
Where we got it: Carolina Petro, 9600 S.C. 707 (corner of Holmestown Road)
Who it's for: Nephew or niece you hate to visit because they're monsters
Green is big these days, not green as in what's in your wallet or the green apple splatters made oh-so-popular by "South Park." We're talking about environmental consciousness here - Earth-friendliness. Tree-hugability. Hippie-happiness. Why not go green this Christmas for your niece or nephew with the gift that keeps on giving with no batteries or electricity until the sun runs out of energy and keeps shining? The Dancing Solar Flower is guaranteed to dance forever. It says so on the package. If the wording is too risky to accept, then the "sold on TV" logo on the packaging obviously backs up the guarantee. The flower is just perfect for display in the car, on a desk, or on the window sill where it will proclaim your niece or nephew's green-ness to the entire world. Put it in the sun and let the dancing commence. It doesn't even need music, but a good beat makes it seem even cooler. Watch their faces light up as they open it and let the flower boogie till the sun goes down.
Sure, it's a given for your niece. After all, what girl doesn't like flowers? If for some reason she doesn't, then perhaps her love of our great planet should be in question and she should be reported to Al Gore immediately for cerebral-neural realignment. But a flower for your nephew? A dude? Sure. This gift will be the perfect way for him to display to his lady friends not only how green but how metrosexual he is. They'll see how much he cares about life, and trees, and other green things that grow. It'll be a chick magnet.
- David Powers,
for Weekly Surge
What: Magnetic Parts Dish
How much: $4.97
Where we got it: Carolina Petro, 9600 S.C. 707 (corner of Holmestown Road)
Who it's for: No-good brother-in-law
Almost every family has a no-good brother-in-law in it, and they're usually all alike. So what do you buy for someone with a long string of failed businesses, lost jobs, and loads of debt? A divorce, to get them out of the family takes too long and a hit man costs too much, so what do you do? How about a gift that gives them a little bit of encouragement to shoot for their dreams?
The slogan on the wrapper starts up a momentum of encouragement that just doesn't stop. "Every handyman a king," it says, disregarding proper grammar. That's right; your brother-in-law can be a king. The wrapper doesn't specify so it's just a little loose on how to make it happen, but does that really matter? A king!
The magnetic parts dish is the ultimate multitask enabler. It can be used to hold bolts while he takes apart the neighbor's lawn mower for that "how-to-start-a-small-engine-repair-business" course he ordered. Then it can hold spare parts when he fixes the car rather than taking it to a mechanic. It's much easier for the real mechanic to repair the car afterward if he has all the parts handy. When work is over, plop it down on the dresser and it will keep the Horry County security system (pocket knife) and all the day's pocket change safe in one place. Your brother-in-law needs to keep a good eye on all his pennies.
Depending on other activities your brother-in-law is involved in, he could also use it for just about any hobby or job. While camping or hunting, the shiny metal surface can be used as a mirror or emergency signaling device. If he's a secretive computer guy, the large magnet can be used to wipe a hard drive quickly if the cops bust in. Or in a pinch it can be thrown at someone in self-defense.
The best gifts are those that have many uses. This one has so many we can't list them all here. The best use, though, will be to encourage your brother-in-law to live his dreams and maybe start a new business with a loan from the family. At least you can say you were a part of it with the Regal Magnetic Parts Dish that helped make him a king.
-David Powers,
for Weekly Surge
What: 5-Hour Energy Drink:
How much: $3.49
Where we got it: Circle K, 6501 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach
Who it's for: The whole family
You know how people feel during the holidays - stuffed with too much food, buzzed from too much alcohol, tired from too much shopping. (Well, not you because you're shopping at a convenience store, but you get the point).
What better way to get someone back into the Christmas spirit than a pick-me-up from 5-Hour Energy Drink, sold conveniently at the counter in those tiny little bottles that pack more punch than a UFC marathon.
And they come in a wide variety of flavors, too...actually just two - orange and original, which tastes strikingly similar to lighter fluid. I personally recommend the orange, but to each his own.
Imagine the look on their face when you hit them with a shot of "5-H.'' Better yet, imagine the look on their face a few hours after they drink it. Pound it straight like a shot, mix it with egg nog, heck, chase it with Jaeger and call it a 5-H Bomb.
This truly is the $3.49 gift that keeps on giving. Feeling generous? Buy a 12-pack for the whole family and watch grandma knit everyone sweaters.
Wish Christmas could last forever? It certainly will feel like it does to the lucky recipients of this golden nectar from the neon gods of insomnia.
And for the naughty trying to score some last-minute brownie points with Santa, leave a bottle out for the big guy on his big night. That should kick the crap out of cookies and milk.
Just be careful not to consume too much 5-H on Christmas Eve. Santa won't come see you if you're not asleep.
-Terry Massey,
for Weekly Surge
What: Lottery tickets
How much: $5
Where we got it: Circle K, 6501 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach
Who it's for: Down-on-his-luck cousin who considers Lottery his retirement plan
Sure, you can go the safe route and pick up a worthless piece of crap. Or you can dream big and buy the one thing that could be worth millions.
No, not the Dale Earnhardt commemorative Budweiser can. You would just end up drinking it anyway. I'm talking about lottery tickets.
Sure, there's always the chance it could just turn out to be a cheap piece of cardboard, you know, like maybe a 35,000,000-to-1 chance.
But if you pick a winner, oh baby!
Of course, you always run the risk of the lucky winner giving you the Heisman and keeping it all. We call these people ingrates - or smart. For those folks, and this is where it gets tricky, you'll want to prepare a standard legal contract stating that half the winnings go to you.
It's easy to put together, you can scribble it on a cocktail napkin. The hard part is getting them to sign it. For that, see the "5-H-Bomb."
-Terry Massey,
for Weekly Surge
What : Dream Bride Wedding Day Dress Up Kit
How much: $1
Where we got it: Carolina Petro Scotchman 124, 3020 S. Kings Highway, Garden City Beach
Who is it for: Four year old cousin whose white trash mother is getting married- again
Christmastime is the only time you can't escape your family. The perpetual screw up brother-in-law, the down-on-his-luck uncle, or the white trash cousin five times removed who keeps getting married. Remembering a gift for everyone can be tricky, maybe you even forgot that your cousin five times removed has a four-year-old girl?
Never fear, give the little tyke a last minute gift that shares in your frustration. The Dream Bride Wedding Day Kit is perfect for any little girl wishing to share in her mom's big day... again and again and again.
Complete with two rings, a large pink and white heart necklace, silver watch, bracelet, boutonnière, and "marriage license," this set will give your little cousin all she needs to dress up like (and in your eyes, mock) Mommy. She can layer on the fake bling and find a boy cousin to play groom. She can slide on a ring and pin the boutonniere, just keep an eye on the situation .
When she's opening the gift, spend quality time explaining the importance of each item, but keep in mind, she may repeat the things you say. Snide comments about how the cheap, tacky jewelry looks a lot like her mother's, or how the marriage license is just as legally-binding as Mommy's previous ones, will probably not be a good idea. If your white trash cousin happens to catch on, slide the gift away from the little one and fake a gifting mistake. Throw a five dollar bill her way and re-gift the kit to a corny friend who will truly appreciate its tackiness.
-Rebecca S. Homitz, for Weekly Surge
What : Bic Portable Ashtray
How much: $.99
Where we got it: Carolina Petro Scotchman 124, 3020 S. Kings Highway, Garden City Beach
Who is it for: Chain-smoking aunt who never seems to have an ashtray on hand
The holidays can be stressful, especially when you're visiting family. While some relatives run to alcohol, others head for the nicotine. This gift is perfect for the chain-smoking aunt who always seems to have a cigarette hanging from her mouth. Unwilling to light up outside because it's too cold and she doesn't want to miss the festivities, with this gift, she can smoke her merry little heart out without moving an inch.
This small, square little portable ashtray is a pouch that is available in three color combinations so you can match it to her pocketbook or beehive (whichever sticks out in your mind first). It's designed with a fireproof lining to extinguish cigarettes, as well as reduce odor. But if your aunt didn't smell like an ashtray, would she still be your aunt?
It also has easy-to-use instructions on the back, so if early dementia sets in, she can still smoke and not set herself, or the house, on fire.
Just for the sake of family love, you may want to stress the key point "Be sure cigarette is extinguished before putting portable ashtray in your pocket" that's written on the back.
Also, warn her it can hold up to five cigarette butts at a time, so after about a half-hour, she'll have to dispose of the contents safely.
This all may sound a little dangerous, but when you consider the amount of tar and nicotine running through the course of her veins, a little pouch that could spontaneously burst into flames probably isn't a major concern.
-Rebecca S. Homitz,
for Weekly Surge
