Sunday, Dec. 27, 2009

Don't be fooled: Felines don't sleep all the time

December was a busy news month, what with hourly updates on Tiger Woods' insatiable lust life (what's the count now? Like 35 or something? And we haven't even heard from the Broward County lunchroom ladies ...)

Besides all-Tiger-all-the-time, many of us were immersed in our frenzied annual ritual of celebrating the birth of the son of God by buying too much at Target. So, given all that excitement, it's taken a few weeks to pay proper attention to a news story that broke early in the month, namely: It turns out that your housecats do a lot more than you think when they're left alone.

I know what you're thinking. Cello playing, right? Nooooo, but close.

Thanks to a study by cat scientists (not actual cats as scientists; that would be nuts, not to mention they don't make lab coats that small) it turns out that housecats do a lot more than sleep while their humans are away.

Using "cat cams" programmed to take photos every 15 minutes and attached to the collars of 50 (I'm guessing seriously P.O.'d) housecats, the cat scientists were able to determine that cats actually only spend about 6 percent of their time sleeping. I have three cats and they've basically been asleep since Wham so this is shocking to put it mildly.

Cat cameras revealed that cats spent 22 percent of their days looking out the window, 12 percent playing with other pets and 8 percent climbing on furniture. The rest of the time, they did things like watch TV (they believe their leader, Tyra Banks, is speaking to them personally). TV viewing accounted for 6 percent of a typical housecat's day, the exact same amount as "hiding under a table," presumably when "Jersey Shore" was on, a normal reaction.

Sometimes, the cats watched DVDs, which is a puzzler. I mean, I get how they can work the remote but even those of us with opposable thumbs usually pry the case open with so much force that it pops out, sails across the room and under the couch never to be seen again.

During the very same news cycle, it should be noted, there was a heartwarming story about a dog who alerted his wheelchair-bound owner to the fire raging through their duplex by barking and pulling him to safety. Firefighters said the dog deserved a commendation for saving the man's life. Meanwhile, across the way, I'm imagining a cat in the same situation spending part of its 22 percent of the day staring at the flames and making a sarcastic sad-face at the dog while holding a phone that he has just punched only a 9 and 1 into. "Want me to call? Oops, too late. Time for my cello lesson."