Sunday, Jan. 03, 2010

Pass the popcorn and shut up

Let's start out the New Year with some serious rules for Attending Movies in Public. This seems like a good time for a review since Duh Hubby and I just returned from seeing the fuzzy-wuzzy-inducing football movie, "Blind Side." And, yes, as a matter of fact, we ARE among the last people in America to see it.

It was a good movie. At least I think it was. It was hard to concentrate on the screen because there was another bright screen just a Twizzler's breath away. My seatmate compulsively texted on her Dingleberry, which had a screen bright enough to land a jumbo jet on a rainy runway.

I shouldn't be surprised. The movie theater is the last bastion of lawlessness in Polite Society. Sure, most people dutifully place their candy wrappers and empty popcorn boxes into the trash cans but it's still possible to just leave the junk on the floor and someone will pick it up for you without complaining. Suh-weet!

But there are still some rules to review. For starters, don't come in late and expect me to move toward the center. Dues have been paid for that aisle seat. Unless you've suffered through 17 minutes of movie trivia ("Sandra Bullock was born in Arlington, Virginia!") talk to the imitation-butter-soaked hand.

Don't ask, "Is this seat taken?" when there's a coat on it. Do I look like the kind of jerk who would just put my coat there because I like a little extra elbow room? OK, never mind. But don't stretch one coat over five seats like it's crime-scene tape. You can save one and no more. It's, like, the law.

If the theater is practically empty (say, any Rob Schneider movie), don't sit near me 'cause that's plain pervy.

Here's a big one: Just because you've seen a movie once or twice, this doesn't entitle you to spoil it for the rest of us. Don't say, for instance, "You know he ain't coming back alive, right?" when Diane Lane watches her beloved Richard Gere speed off in his fancy doctor-car to save sick orphans. Years ago, I was watching "Pay It Forward" when the clod behind me said, "This one has a sad ending." Her friend tried to stop her. "I mean this is the saddest ending I've ever seen. You're not gonna believe it." The friend tried to shush her but she was unstoppable. "Well, I'd just better tell you, don't get too attached to that little boy cause, well, he's gone get killed."

And finally, don't let your kid kick the back of my seat for an hour and then get all huffy when I finally turn around and give him the stinkeye. Well. He started it.