TheSunNews.com: Celia Rivenbark

What would Draper do?

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:39 EST

I don't think Betty Draper's a very good mother, but there's one thing she does every week on "Mad Men" that I truly admire.

At her terse command to "Go upstairs," Betty's children wordlessly untangle their legs, stand up, turn off the TV and do exactly that. Not even so much as a "Just two more hours of Mario Kart, pulleeeeeezzz." (Although, to be fair, the show is set in 1963 so it's not like the kids are being asked to give up that much.)

She says it all the time, even if the table is set for dinner and you know the kids are going to have to amuse themselves for at least another hour while she swirls a drink at the kitchen table with moody husband, Don, and smokes a cigarette or 12.

Cereal makers taken to woodshed

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:22 EST

Finally, somebody blew the whistle on those wacky cereal manufacturers and I think that's just gggggggrrrreaaat!

Enough already! Like modern-day "miracle tonic" salesmen who hoodooed an unsophisticated prairie public, the folks at Kellogg's even claimed that, yes, Froot Loops are good for you.

It's not even real froot! How could it possibly be good for you? And what is froot anyway? General Mills didn't fare much better claiming that a bowl of Cheerios could basically cure male pattern baldness and give you X-ray vision in the process. Almost.

Snuggie ensnares another victim, er, admirer

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 23:39 EDT

When I opened the birthday gift from my mother-in-law, I gave a snobby little chuckle. Wow. Didn't see that coming. A Snuggie. As seen on TV. My mother-in-law gave me a blanket with sleeves. Just the thing I'd need to wear as I dragged through the sycamore leaves and to the mailbox to see if my Cash 4 Gold money had arrived yet.

"Oh. It's a Snuggie. I've seen them on TV. Thanks." MIL had a playful look in her eyes, a knowing look now that I think about it.

Didn't she know that I'd lampooned the Snuggie? It was nuts, this impossible wad of fabric that claimed to be cool enough to wear to bars and ballgames with your (lame) friends.

Killer snakes heading thisaway

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:34 EDT

I used to like Florida. Key West and Miami were super fun. Disney World was a blast. The space center wasn't nearly as boring as I thought, plus they sold freeze-dried astronaut ice cream. I liked the orange groves in central Florida, spring training in St. Pete and driving along A1A with Buffett blasting in the background. Yes, Florida was a state with much to offer.

A little too much as it turns out.

According to a report released by the U.S. Geological Survey last week, crazy Floridians have been releasing killer snakes into the wild and they're headed my way. Yep, freakishly huge snakes are leaving Florida's swampy borders and heading north.

Obama's newest award surprising

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:30 EDT

Recently, I've heard two phrases repeated over and over, phrases that I'm pretty sure I never expected to hear in my lifetime: The first is the announcement of the "Nature Boy" Ric Flair Education Lottery," the second, "Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize."

The first one cracks me up. A wild-eyed North Carolina pro wrestler having his own scratch-off named after him. I've got nothing against Nature Boy but I'm not sure he's the right poster boy for the education lottery since the only quote that he is really famous for doesn't sound all that smart. I believe it goes something like this: "Woooooo! Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooooo!"

The second one just reassures me that those Nobel folks really must've hated them some George W. Bush. I imagine Laura Bush fretting that morning about her husband's reaction to the Obama award, coming as it does when he has only been in the Oval Office for about 12 minutes.

Homeless doll keeps it all real, at a price

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 23:03 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

The newest American Girl doll is a honey-haired cutie named Gwen Thompson who wears a simple white eyelet dress with a pink ribbon at the empire waist. She's fresh-faced, sparkly eyed and, hmmmm, let's see, what else? Oh, yes! She's homeless.

Is there a word stronger than "ironic" when a toy manufacturer sells a homeless doll to real-life pampered princesses for $95 plus tax? I'm imagining a pretty fiery board meeting as Mattel grappled with how to accessorize Gwen. You see, American Girl dolls tend to have pricey accessories ($65 plastic horse anyone?) but how to brand a homeless doll without seeming hopelessly tacky? It's not like you could, in good corporate conscience, sell a battered '86 Taurus station wagon for Gwen and her mama to sleep in.

Bass: The Bowies of the fish world

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 23:17 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

Next time Bubba and Billy Bob go fishing, they might discover that the fish more or less moseys onto the hook, languishes on the line and then passively lays there in the cooler smoothing its scales instead of flailing.

Scientists have discovered that estrogen in the water is making fish, particularly large-mouthed bass in the South, less aggressive. Turns out that 70 to 90 percent of the bass in ponds across the Southeast have both male and female sex characteristics.

Nothing to watch? There's always monkeys

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 20:52 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

Set your DVRs, hons, because there's going to be a new fall hit coming your way: TLC's "My Monkey Baby." Not since the debut of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant!" have I been this excited.

This should answer, once and for all, those satellite TV ingrates who love to whine, "I have 856 channels and there's not a thing to watch!" I repeat: Monkey babies.

GOP will be treated, someday

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 22:58 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

Like most of you Concerned Americans, I've witnessed the hysteria about government-sanctioned death panels. I've seen the bused-in town hall loonies swearing that, if the president has his way, "kill Grandma" pills will be handed out door-to-door like Halloween candy. I've heard the rumors that Obama wants to personally suffocate Sarah Palin's precious special-needs child in his sleep. And how, to paraphrase Bill Maher, the far right honestly believes that Obama is so core-evil that his favorite hobby is beating nuns to death with truckloads of dead puppies.

The health care rabble rousers are about as subtle as flesh-eating bacteria.

We can't lose our Reader's Digest!

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 22:51 EDT

CELIA RIVENBARK

Now comes the sad(ish) news that Reader's Digest has declared bankruptcy, a phrase that cracks me up ever since seeing Michael Scott, the idiot boss on "The Office," walk around solemnly and loudly announcing, "I Declare Bankruptcy" thinking that was all there was to it. Oh, if only.

Many teams of lawyers are now involved in trying to prop up the venerable magazineslash-coaster and make it a moneymaker again.

Song lyrics have only gotten dumber

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

I've always been convinced that no one would ever write lyrics weirder than Led Zeppelin's "If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now," which we all sang along to in the '70s because "Stairway to Heaven" was so awesome it didn't matter that the words made no sense.

The same was true of The Steve Miller Band's wretchedly wonderful songs, most famously this line from "Take the Money and Run": "Billy Mack's a detective down in Texas. You know he knows just what the facts is." Texas? Facts is? Sure. That rhymes.

Building up for flat screen TV plunge

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

Duh-Hubby and I have been arguing about when to take the flat-screen, high-def TV plunge. I say that we should wait for our bloated-looking old-fashioned TV to die of natural causes because this is what Al Gore would want us to do. Hubby says that we should seize the day because all of our friends already have the new screens.

"And if all our friends drove off a cliff, would you do that, too?"

'Follow, dear' is easier said than done

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

Maybe it's because I got hooked on watching "Dancing With the Stars." Maybe it's because we've been married for nearly 20 years and the closest thing to a formal dance hubby and I can do is the hokey pokey. And even that's dicey because I often forget to put my whole self in.

Whatever the reason, here we were, one Sunday afternoon a week, taking Beginning Ballroom Dance in a mirror-lined room alongside a dozen other jittery couples wearing "Hello" nametags. In my mind, I would be Lisa Rinna to hubby's Harry Hamlin. We'd be good at this. After all, didn't we have several decades' experience standing around with our eyes closed, swinging our heads from side to side during "Free Bird"? We had rhythm. Sort of.

Baby-daddies coming out of the woodwork

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

Hons, my family's financial future is set if I can just convince my husband to step up and tell the world, or at least "People" magazine, that HE is the real father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.

At the rate men are signing up to claim daddyhood (and, perhaps not coincidentally, a chance to share the infant's potential multimillion dollar inheritance), I figure my hubby will come in just behind Urkel and slightly ahead of Donald Trump, who will announce, any day now, that "This baby has been fathered by the most handsome and charismatic producer and star of the most exciting reality show that has ever been shown in the history of television.

Easy to tell astronaut not a Southerner

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

While everybody else was slack-jawed over lovesick astronaut Lisa Nowak's "she's-come-undone" behavior, I just thought to myself: "Isn't that just like a Yankee to think nothing of getting in the car and driving 14 hours straight to Florida?"

Southerners just don't do this.

TV's pithy nostalgia runs amok

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

I recently ordered something from one of those "as seen on TV" places. I won't tell you the name because I don't want to be sued or have a shadowy figure in a hot pink velour sweat suit hold me down and staple my skull with a million tiny little decorative rhinestones and beads "guaranteed to add excitement to any outfit!"

Call it nostalgia, call it an unfortunate mix of prescription cough syrup and Red Bull, call it whatever you want, but I recently had an irrational desire to uh, dazzle up, "an array of sweaters, hats, dresses, slacks, even school book covers!" with these little multicolored beads and brads and jewels.

Autos now built to foil drunken drivers

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

S o you think you're not too drive to drunk?

Let's just see what your Japanese car has to say about that, Bubba.

You can't make a deal with greed

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

I 've been watching "Deal or No Deal" for the past couple of weeks and I've decided that America's going straight to h-e-double hockey sticks.

And soon.

There's no test for Southern vocabulary

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

My daughter just brought home a rather long-winded explanation of what is expected of fourth-graders on the upcoming big, fancy state writing test. I've read it, like, eight times and I still don't understand it, which means that either (A) I have the brains of sweater fuzz or (B) This thing really makes no sense.

On account of me being a perfessional writer-type person, I was eager to learn about the writing test but got stopped by the heading "Classroom Assessment Analytic Rubric."

Some salons giving more bang for buck

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:39 EDT

Perhaps the funniest thing about the trend of Hooters-style barbershops sweeping the country is that at least one of the chains, Bikini Cuts, offers a children's cut for children 10 and younger.

Somehow, I'm having trouble picturing the beleaguered mom of three, Starbucks stains on her sweatpants, claiming a few moments of me-time while her kids get haircuts and squealing with delight when she realizes there are current issues of "Guns & Ammo" AND "Maxim" on the table in front of her.