Saturday, Sep. 05, 2009

GOP will be treated, someday

CELIA RIVENBARK

Like most of you Concerned Americans, I've witnessed the hysteria about government-sanctioned death panels. I've seen the bused-in town hall loonies swearing that, if the president has his way, "kill Grandma" pills will be handed out door-to-door like Halloween candy. I've heard the rumors that Obama wants to personally suffocate Sarah Palin's precious special-needs child in his sleep. And how, to paraphrase Bill Maher, the far right honestly believes that Obama is so core-evil that his favorite hobby is beating nuns to death with truckloads of dead puppies.

The health care rabble rousers are about as subtle as flesh-eating bacteria.

And now comes the news that the Republican National Committee recently mailed a fundraising appeal suggesting that Democrats might use this proposed overhaul of the health care system to deny medical treatment to Republicans.

Yes, they really said that. A questionnaire crafted by the RNC suggested the government could check voting registration records "prompting fears that GOP voters might be discriminated against for medical treatment in a Democrat-imposed health care rationing system."

"Does this possibility concern you?" it asked.

Well now that's just going too far. Even the frumpy red-eyed wailing women who want to know where their America has gone, the ones who show up at those town hall meetings wearing hair combs and prairie skirts, can't actually believe the government would only cure sick Democrats.

Although I seldom agree with Republican politics, I would never withhold health care based on a difference in political ideology. Republicans are absolutely entitled to any and all medical treatments that they need and desire. In due time.

Kidding! No one seriously believes that doctors are going to check voter registrations before administering treatment, right? That would be a violation of the Hippopotamus Oath. Which I'm not sure they have in Kenya, our president's TRUE birthplace.

Doctor: "Hmmm. Bill, I know you and I go back a really long way and that I delivered all five of your children, but, goshdarnit, it says right here in your chart that you voted for Richard Nixon in '72, so it seems to me your appendix is just going to have to swell to the size of a calzone and explode while we leave you for dead. Nurse! Go out in the waiting room and see if any Democrats are waiting out there. And make sure they get the good magazines, too."

Fear mongering is a popular tactic these days. But even the Republicans realized this might have gone a tad far. When pressed for an explanation, Katie Wright, a spokeswoman for the RNC, admitted the fundraising appeal had been "inartfully worded." You think?

Note: Celia Rivenbark will be signing copies of her newest book, "You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning" at 7 p.m. Sept. 15 at Barnes & Noble, The Market Common.