Sunday, Oct. 25, 2009

Issac Bailey | Learn to be true to yourself

How would I like it if someone wrote a book called "But I Still Don't Eat Crackers in Front of Black People?"

That was a recent question from a disappointed reader. I thought the question was clever, funny, and a bit sad.

It was in response to a column in which I wrote about the new book, "Nurture Shock," which details the latest child development research.

She was peeved that I mentioned research that showed white parents' reluctance to speak forthrightly about race makes it harder for kids to see others as equals. It's not because they are racist, but because kids are not colorblind. They begin putting people into categories as early as six months, and race is the most visible and therefore most natural way to do that categorizing. Left to their own devices, in conjunction with signals from society, they begin to believe something's wrong with race because mentioning it makes their parents squirm.

The best way to deal with that reality: Be honest with children. Don't avoid, don't rely on the "everyone's equal" mantra. Tell them there are black and white and Hispanic and Native American people, and about past and present racial tensions and where they came from and why they remain. Teach them that any one from the "other group" can be rocket a scientist (or criminal) or their best friend.

The research urges white parents to not clam up when their children loudly point out "that brown man" at the mall.

The book also urges black parents to not overdo the warnings about discrimination. While instilling a sense of ethnic pride is critical - it counteracts negative societal messages - harping on potential discrimination teaches black kids to give up too soon and blame others.

That reader felt as though she was boxed in ways that I, as a black person, am not. She couldn't write a book titled, "But I Still Don't Eat Crackers in Front of Black People," she mused, but I can write a book titled, "Proud. Black. Southern. (But I Still Don't Eat Watermelon in Front of White People.)" (Find out more at ProudBlackSoutherner.com.)

She'd be called a racist, she said. Maybe, but only by those with misplaced outrage and no sense of humor. She doesn't realize I get called racist a few times weekly and an "Uncle Tom" a couple times monthly.

The primary difference between the two of us isn't race, but our reaction to other people's expectations. I'm not frustrated when someone labels me because I know they can't dictate the content of my character or the tone of my writing.

I won't allow anyone to do that, and neither should she.