Story by Kimberly Moore
For Weekly Surge
Photos by Scott Smallin
For Weekly Surge
Imagine meeting someone, falling in love and wanting to get married. You're sharing a checking account, applying for a mortgage, investing in and insuring your relationship with your spouse. You decide to start a family, daydreaming of a little one to fill your home with love and laughter. Looking out for one another through the years, entering into hundreds of little contracts together, you're the go-to person for each other. In the end, when age or infirmity eventually claims one of you, the remaining half of the partnership goes on alone, seeing to those final arrangements, settling the estate you and your beloved worked long and hard to earn. Saying "I do" to that person you want to spend your life with comes with challenges and struggles - a vow to be together for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Now, imagine what that life would be like if you had no legal rights of any kind. Same-sex marriage rights are in reality basic human rights that heterosexual people take for granted: the right to live as a family in pursuit of the American dream.
In this election year, the national issue of domestic partnership rights seems to have taken a backseat in political debates as the nation struggles with the war in Iraq, soaring fuel and food prices and potentially catastrophic environmental issues. But a recent ruling by the California Supreme Court invalidating the state's ban on same-sex marriage has opened up new dialogue on an issue that is slowly becoming more accepted among the general population. The ruling in California opened the door for thousands of same-sex couples to share the same rights and privileges endowed to any man or woman entering the institution of marriage in that state.
South Carolina does not allow same-sex marriage, civil unions between gays or lesbians, nor does it allow so-called "domestic partnerships" that would grant state spousal rights to unmarried couples. Beyond mere rhetoric, gay and lesbian partners along the Grand Strand struggle against society's ignorance and prejudices, grappling with financial issues that arise from not being legally recognized as a couple.
Carrigan Starling-Littlefield holds her daddie's hands on the beach.
Tommy Starling and Jeff Littlefield of Pawleys Island have been a couple for 12 years. Five years into their relationship, they decided they wanted to start a family. "Our lives together were wonderful but we lacked one major thing - a child to share our love. " After five years of failed adoption attempts, they eventually found success through egg donation and a surrogate mother. "We had lawyers here turn us away because they did not want to deal with gay people or the many legal issues of gay parenting in South Carolina.," says Starling. "We ultimately found a surrogate agency in California (Growing Generations) that coordinated all of our efforts in finding a surrogate, an egg donor, medical agencies and legal judgments." Using an anonymous egg donor, half the eggs were fertilized by Starling, half by Littlefield. One of each were transferred to the surrogate, and they don't know - or care - who fertilized the egg, that became their daughter.
She was born two years ago in California, where state law protects the family's rights. Due to what Starling describes as California's' "enlightened laws and human acceptance,"both Starling's and Littlefield's names are on the birth certificate.
The Williams Institute is a national think tank of the UCLA School of Law, which works to advance sexual orientation laws and public policy. The Institute recently released a new series of state level reports, using data from the U.S. Census Bureau, providing information on same-sex households and those raising children. Of the 10,500 same sex couples throughout South Carolina (425 in Horry County), the study found that contrary to popular opinion, same-sex households have fewer resources, lower household incomes, and a lower rate of homeownership than their married heterosexual counterparts. The Williams Report also found that same-sex couples are significantly more racially and ethnically diverse than their married counterparts, perhaps due to the gay community's emphasis on diversity. A good 11 percent of individuals within a same-sex partnership have served in a branch of the armed forces, compared with the 17 percent of individuals in married couples who have served their country, despite the military's history of exclusion when it comes to gay, lesbian, and transgendered individuals.
California and Massachusetts are the only two states that issue marriage licenses to same-sex partners. Rhode Island does not grant marriage rights, but recognizes same-sex marriages from other states. State level spousal rights to domestic partners are granted in Oregon, as well as California, and civil unions are allowed inConnecticut, Vermont, New Jersey and New Hampshire. South Carolina has a long way to go in granting rights to same-sex partners. "We are very fortunate to live in such a beautiful state. It pains us to know that families like ours are not protected under the laws of South Carolina" says Starling.
Starling knows what he's talking about as he is on the national board of directors for the Family Equality Council (www.familyequality.org), which works to "ensure equality for LGBT families through advocacy and building community, changing hearts and minds, while advancing social justice for all families,'' according to the organization's website. "We hope that one day soon, we will not have to leave our home state to gain equal rights," says Starling.
For same-sex couples, the joy of being parents is no different than it is for a straight couple. With pride in his voice, Starling says, "our beautiful, vibrant, loving and well-balanced daughter is the typical curious and very busy two-year-old." Starling and Littlefield are both involved with parenting, and just as any other responsible couple, they are focused on providing for and nurturing their child. "We are working on potty-training, finding a good pre-school, and trying to get her favorite rain boots off before she jumps in the bath each night," says Starling. "The love we get in the form of hugs and kisses from our little girl makes life worthwhile."
But it is a challenge raising children for same-sex parents; dealing with other parents and school authorities, and for same-sex families, these interactions can range from awkward to downright ugly. Starling finds that most people are curious about how they came to be parents and the dynamics of their family life. He admits that the journey to parenthood was difficult in their situation. "It was not easy, cheap or fun,'' he says. "It was meticulously conceived, planned and executed with many sleepless, worry-filled nights." A first-time father who willingly gave up a lucrative career to stay home for his daughter, Starling says, "family challenges fade away when she calls out for 'Daddy' or runs down the hall yelling 'Dad' when Jeff comes home from work."
Ironically, throughout this weekend as the local gay community celebrates Myrtle Beach Pride '08, Starling and Littlefield will be in California, getting married, with their little girl by their sides. The couple has requested their friends make a donation to the Family Equality Council in lieu of any wedding gifts. "We have all the material things in life that we need. Most importantly, we have our wonderful daughter." Starling explains about the request. He says, "There is only one thing that we do not have - equality for our family and families like ours."