Thursday, Mar. 19, 2009
Isn't it Bromantic?
One Woman's Journey Into The New World of Male
Hey ladies, have you ever planned a romantic night with your boyfriend that was supposed to include a home-cooked dinner – followed by lying beside a crackling fireplace, and cuddling up to watch the stars? As you’re slaving away at the stove, he calls, telling you that he won’t be able to make it. At first you’re furious; steam is practically pouring out of your ears, but you tell yourself to calm down and give him the benefit of the doubt; maybe something terrible happened. Then, he sheepishly tells you that the big game is on and he promised the guys he would watch it with them. You can’t believe what you’re hearing, but instead of blowing up in his face, you decide to be mature and let him off the hook. Because let’s face it, you’ve had this fight a million times and know how it always ends. He’s always going to pick his friends over you. Unfortunately, that’s the way it has always been and will always be. When it comes to his friends, you don’t stand a living chance. No matter how you approach the situation, or what different angle you decide to play this time, it always ends the same way: you alone on the couch venting to one of your girlfriends on the phone, while he’s out having a blast. The saddest part of the scenario is you know you are going to take him back; you always do.
The names and situations might be different, but it seems as if every woman has experienced being ditched by her boyfriend, guy friend, or even brother, in favor of his male friends.
Does it seem boys will be boys forever, instead of fully embracing the responsibilities of manhood? According to a March 2008 article by Columbia News Service, “The transition to adulthood is now taking about a decade longer than it used to,” said sociology professor at Stony Brook University Michael Kimmel, author of “Guy Land: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men.”
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you do not want your boyfriend to be stuck hanging out with you and your friends, because he doesn’t have any guy friends. I know that I wouldn’t want my boyfriend following me around like a lost puppy, while I’m trying to gossip with the gals, like Paul Rudd’s character in the movie, “I Love You, Man” opening Friday. The film centers on a soon-to-be married man (Rudd) who is in need of a best friend, because he’s a so-called “girlfriend guy’’ who invested all his time in relationships with the opposite sex. While searching for a best man, he questions why he never had one before. It’s being hailed as the next great bromantic comedy.
Bromantic? What the hell is that?
A couple of weeks ago I came across the term “bromance,” or as the Urban Dictionary defines it, “an emotional attraction between bros, which is often expressed through wrestling, nuggies and head locks (in the more advanced stages hugging, snuggling, spooning and even kissing may be included).” Experts say that the reason men are jumping into these friendships is due to the delay of major life milestones. Fifty plus years ago, the perception of your typical male was that he graduated college, got married and started a family, all within a few years of each other. Now, men are leisurely taking their time on their road to adulthood.
For the first time it all made sense: my boyfriend was in a bromance!
"I bet if you were walking along the beach one day, and a magic genie suddenly appeared and offered you the greatest ship in the world, and you chose “friendship”…
That genie would kick your ass"."
–Greg Suess and D.M. Chapman, from “I Love You, Man…But Not Like That.’’
When I approached him about this bromance subject the next day, he grew furious with me. Not only had I, as he so kindly put it, insinuated that he was gay, but I was apparently asking that he ditch his friends. The last thing I ever wanted to do was ask him to leave his childhood friends for me, because I would be appalled if he asked that of me. “It is important to know that in a relationship no one should ever allow anyone to separate them from the friends they had before, nor the romantic relationships they want to continue to keep,” said Candace McKenzie, aka The Dating Dahling, recently seen on MTV’s “G’s to Gents.” “So, if jealousy, smothering or immature emotions continue to happen after these discussions have taken place, then it’s time to reevaluate the friends, and lose the ball and chain partnerships with the girl.”
But before I even realized what was happening, my boyfriend was on the phone inviting his friends to my apartment to let me know what the “deal” was. Three hours and several martinis later, I found myself overwhelmed, but thoroughly informed on the subject of bromance. As my boyfriend and his friends put it, “it’s not a gay relationship or anything; it is just a close friendship, only understood and accepted by us. There are just certain things you can’t tell your parents, siblings or girlfriends. The only people that can help you out are your friends, because they know the situation, and how to solve it.” As I listened, I was struck by the sincerity in their eyes, and the tone in their voices when talking to one another. These guys aren’t just obsessed with getting drunk and picking up women together; they are a family. No matter what happens in life, they will be there for one another.
Over the next few days, I was finding bromance everywhere I went. Whether watching television, roaming around on campus, zipping through the lanes at the grocery store or grabbing drinks at happy hour, these men were sure to be there with their buddies right by their side. These man-to-man relationships were far more common than I initially expected.
While out shopping one Saturday afternoon with my friends, I asked what their thoughts were on bromance. All I had to do was mention the word and their mouths were running. Some of them were talking about their boyfriends, others were talking about the MTV reality show, “Bromance,” and there were several that recapped the relationship between Aiden and Steve on “Sex and the City.” It was astonishing to watch a group of young women bantering over whose boyfriend is more obsessed with his friends.
"Thank you, for your undying willingness to “take one for the team’’…
And hook up with the hot chick’s fat, ugly friend."
–Greg Suess and D.M. Chapman, from “I Love You, Man…But Not Like That.’’
One of my friends even said that her boyfriend openly admitted to being in a bromance relationship with his friends and set aside time each week to fit her into his schedule. She said it works out for the better, because she has time to do what she wants to do, while he is out with his friends. They then decide to meet up during one of their designated time slots. Most of my friends didn’t agree, but, she does have a pretty good thing going. She gets to do what makes her happy and he gets to do what makes him happy, while still maintaining a healthy, positive relationship. There have been several occasions when I have missed a night with the girls because I was waiting around for my boyfriend. Maybe setting aside a specific time of day to hang out with your boyfriend is a good idea after all. I’m sure my boyfriend would jump at the opportunity to spend more time with his friends. But, is that completely throwing romance (the old fashioned kind) out the window?
The more I thought about this, the more pathetic it sounded. It was almost as if I was being blinded by bromance. I found myself agreeing with everything it entailed, for the convenience of an extra hour here and there to go to the gym. I am all for spending time with friends, but I am not ready to lose my relationship for it. I agree that every couple should take time apart for the sake of their friendships and their sanity, but when is it too much? What is considered a healthy balance in the world of relationships and friendships?
"A friend is a gift you give yourself.
I tried re-gifting, but nobody wanted you."
–Greg Suess and D.M. Chapman, from “I Love You, Man…But Not Like That.’’
Senior Coastal Carolina University business major and self-described bromancer, Christopher Lavoice offered several tips for finding an equal balance between his friends and his girlfriend. “I try to go to the gym, play basketball, and overall be active with the guys. They are usually there for me and always want to have a good time. The college years are here in the memory books, and I can honestly say that I have a good group of friends down here at Coastal, that I plan on remaining friends with after I graduate. On the other hand, there is my adorable girlfriend who I must make happy. She really is my best friend and I try to show her that in as many ways as possible. I usually do things with her that I can’t do with my friends, such as going out to lunch, eating romantic dinners and spending time at her beach house.”
As Lavoice reminds us, a relationship is about spending time together, enjoying each other’s company and sharing a connection. Ditching me for his friends was no longer going to be an option for my boyfriend; things were going to have to change. “It’s perfectly natural in the stage of youth for every dude to party hard, and play the field,” said professional dating coach McKenzie. “However, once a romantic relationship comes around, a guy’s instinctual drive to hang with his posse can sometimes cause major drama in his love department. Balance can easily be achieved though by setting boundaries, and understanding how to communicate clearly in both relationships. That way, a dude can still have it all, and avoid getting a first class ticket to The Tool Academy.”
CCU senior Ashley Manger also offered some pointers on dealing with a bromantic situation. “The most important thing you need to do when you find out your boyfriend has ditched you for his friends, is step back and take a deep breath. As mad as you are at him, yelling and fighting isn’t going to solve anything. When you feel like you have given yourself enough time to cool off, confront him. Let him know that what he did bothered you and figure out a way to solve the situation together. By constantly communicating, you will be able to maintain a healthy and stable relationship.”
"A great friendship can be a source of inspiration and wonder.
For example, I recently wondered what the hell would inspire you to Consistently make such an ass of yourself."
–Greg Suess and D.M. Chapman, from “I Love You, Man…But Not Like That.’’
As frustrated as you may be, it is always best to take a step away and come back to the situation when you are thinking clearly. McKenzie said when speaking about bromancers with girlfriends, “Girlfriends just need to be validated without feeling rudely tossed aside for a night out with the boys, and by using a more gentle approach the guy can easily melt the female heart into butter.”
Talking out bromance problems will help your relationship stay strong, but then again, not all relationships are the same. “When my girlfriend and I are in an argument, I usually end up giving in,” said Lavoice. “It is definitely important to pick and choose your battles.”
"I’d like to invite you into my circle of trust and
Honesty. And now that you’re here, I can honestly tell you…
You ought to get your fat, lazy ass into the gym, stripes don’t go with Plaid, and you desperately need a breath mint."
–Greg Suess and D.M. Chapman, from “I Love You, Man…But Not Like That.’’
What about the gay thing? Don’t worry about it (unless you catch him in bed with one of his bromantic partners)! Your boyfriend and his bros are just looking for a little time away from the old ball and chain to relax and drink some beers. Speaking as a girlfriend of a bromancer, it is best to let the bromance ride out. Who knows, maybe you and the rest of the bromancers’ girlfriends will get together, and give them a taste of their own medicine.
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