Thursday, Sep. 24, 2009
News of the Weird for September 24, 2009
If society were ever attacked by zombies, we would probably be doomed, and quickly. That was the conclusion of two university researchers in Ottawa, Ontario, who set up mathematical models hypothesizing zombie attacks as infectious diseases with the well-known characteristics of zombie biology from popular fiction. In fact, according to a July BBC News report, zombies are more threatening than virulent diseases because they can regenerate (unless decapitated or incinerated, of course). More troubling was the researchers’ presumption that zombies move slowly, as in older movies, but in recent fiction, they’re super-quick, making them nearly invincible.
government in action
Scared-y Cat Brits: (1) In June the Peterborough City Council ordered retirees who come together for weekly coffee at the public library to give up hot drinks, in case one accidentally spilled on a child. (2) In July the Dagenham Pool in Essex, citing (according to the manager) drowning risks, banned swimmers from doing “lengths” and forced them instead to swim “widths.” (3) In June the Brighton and Hove City Council ordered nature-lover Hilaire Purbrick, 45, out of the cave that has been his residence for 16 years, citing its lack of a “fire exit.”
the police department
Unclear on the Concept: San Antonio police chief William McManus announced in August an upgraded training program to teach his officers how to obey the law while off-duty. The department has had to fire 10 officers so far this year for law-breaking, and included in McManus’ program is a personal talk to each incoming cadet to stress that police officers must not commit crimes.
the continuing crisis
Elsie Poncher decided reluctantly in August to go back on a promise she had made to her late husband. Richard Poncher had purchased a crypt (for himself) just above the one in which the body of Marilyn Monroe rests in a Los Angeles memorial park, but Elsie now needs money and thus offered the crypt for sale in August, planning to move Richard to a less prominent place. Richard had been assured by Elsie that he could spend eternity lying face down “over Marilyn.”
people different from us
Geography professor Melanie Patton Renfrew, 54, was convicted in Burbank, Calif., in August of violating a judge’s order to stop stalking KNBC-TV weatherman Fritz Coleman. Renfrew had badgered Coleman for two years, via e-mail and telephone calls, about his “error” in terminology, confusing “onshore” winds with “offshore” winds. Coleman, she insisted, needed to apologize. “Offshore” winds blow out to sea; “onshore” winds blow in.
least competent criminals
Lisa Newsome, 42, was arrested in Zachary, La., in August, caught trying to smuggle a 24-can case of beer out of a convenience store. The heavyset, housecoat-clad Newsome was squeezing the 20-pound case between her legs as she waddled from the cooler toward the front door. When police arrived, Newsome offered to pull up the dress to demonstrate how she carried the case, but, said a police captain: “I told her, no thanks. I wasn’t into that.”
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