Thursday, Jul. 30, 2009
He's Not Up For Feeding Her Sex Drive
Q: I am an independent woman, 43, with two older children who do not live with me. I am dating a patient, loving, kind, smart and generous man of 59 who has never married, has no children and is also independent. We are engaged and very happy together most of the time. However, he is white, and my family has issues with his race. Also, he is impotent, and I have issues with that. I love him and I am completely comfortable and happy with this man who treats me like a queen, but I have a sex drive that haunts me like a body in the basement. And I need the real deal, not all that other stuff. What in the world should I do? Please help!
MIA: Girlfriend, relax and enjoy the ride – well, what ride there is. But there’s no way you should marry this guy any time soon. You need couples counseling. Hopefully, that will help you learn to cope with the negative push back you’re getting from your family. It’ll also give you time to figure out if your love is strong enough to get over the fact that your guy is impotent. Sounds to me like this is going to be the deal breaker for you since your engines are still revved up. Meanwhile, I think you should enjoy this feeling of being in love. You’re a lucky girl to have found such a patient, loving guy. Make sure you relish the experience.
STEVE: The race stuff is none of your family’s business. The lack of sex, however, is your problem. I’d consider seeing a sex therapist together, as there are ways around impotence.
Q: How much time must pass before it is permissible to demand that a man make a commitment? My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. We spend nearly every night together, at my place or his. Our relationship is great (I think), but I am 30 and would like to have some sense of my future with this guy. He’s had a few relationships before, and he said they ended when the women started to pressure him. Do I give him an ultimatum and risk losing him? I really don’t want to get back into the dating game. Or should I give him more time?
STEVE: What’s your hurry? It can take years for a man to commit. Decades! Seriously, though, it is reasonable to conclude that after three years the idea of marriage probably has crossed his mind. Make no ultimatums, but request a clear answer on how he sees the future of your relationship. If he doesn’t mention marriage, then the next move is yours.
MIA: Do you really want a guy you have to demand to marry you? Of course not. Besides, if he isn’t hell-bent on getting married to you, maybe you’re not The One. You’re not his wife. Give him some space to miss you. Maybe he’ll start to see what life’s like when you’re not around making things so wonderful. I’m not saying that you should play games. But you shouldn’t be playing house, either, if your ultimate goal is marriage.
Steve (not his real name) is 50-something and has been married to his second wife for 20 years. Mia (not her real name) is a 20-something single immersed in the dating scene.
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