Thursday, Aug. 27, 2009
Alas, angry sex is all we have
MCT
Q: Sometimes, when my partner comes home angry, it turns me on. Is it wrong for me to deliberately make my partner even angrier? I get great sex afterward, but I'm afraid I may cause a heart attack. What should I do?
Mia: You're joking, right? Why do you think your partner's going to have a heart attack? Sex is a great mood enhancer, so go for it. One more thing - I'm not sure what you mean when you say you try to make your partner angrier. What are you doing? Deliberately baiting the person? Insulting them? Never mind. Something tells me I don't want to know.
Steve: Mia, our e-mailer is just trying to have makeup sex! In the words of the eminent philosopher Jerry Seinfeld, "The only sex you're going to have better than makeup sex is if you're sent to prison and you have a conjugal visit." But is makeup sex worth fighting for? If the angry spat that leads to makeup sex is artificially created, is the makeup sex just as good? Makeup sex, like lovers' quarrels, ought not to be planned. And if you can't get off without a fight first, then you need to see a counselor.
Q: My husband had an emotional affair with a woman he met through a single male friend. This male friend has had relations with a married woman. My trust is low now, even though my husband says the relationship with the other woman is over. He still wants to be friends with this guy and hang out together, though. I'm worried about that. What do you think?
Steve: OK, let's review. Your husband has a single male friend who hooked him up with another woman. That's over, but he wants to still hang with this guy. Why? In case some other stranger comes his way? You need to discuss whether he values his friendship more than his marriage.
Mia: That friend of his is bad news. But whatever you do, girlfriend, remember your beef is with that cheating husband of yours. Don't make the mistake so many women do of turning your anger on his friend. It's not his fault your husband strayed. The friend may have egged your guy on, but the ultimate decision was your husband's. So keep the focus on your man; forget about the buddy. And if you need to get couples counseling, do it. Learning what was behind your husband's affair will be more beneficial in the long run than trying to control whom he pals around with.
Steve (not his real name) is 50-something and has been married to his second wife for 20 years. Mia (not her real name) is a 20-something single immersed in the dating scene.